The highest cause of deaths in adults under 45 is Suicide. My wife, who is a suicide counsellor has explained to me that the highest reason people try suicide is because they are lonely.
Thus, the most important thing you can do, for your own health and happiness, is build your community. But what does that mean? I can only express the feeling with an example.
This past Saturday, Richie (my lovely wife) and I decided to throw a Diwali party for our community in SF. The last time we hosted a party was our housewarming — two years ago when we were just beginning to make friends in San Francisco. Then 2020 and 2021 happened. It was about time to bring everyone together again, new friends and old. We sent out invites to a short list of people and began organizing food and drinks. But certain people made it clear that they didn’t just want to show up once the party began.
Our dear friends Mahi and Devika came by 5 hours before the party started. They helped decorate. Brought supplies. They fiddled with the playlist to set the right tone. 2 hours before the start time, they shoo’d Richie and me away to make sure we’d be ready in time. When we protested that they should get ready first, “Tum Host ho, hum Dost hain” — “You’re hosts, we’re the hosts’ friends.” “we can be late, but you gotta be dazzling, so go get ready.”
The party turned out to be really fun. We expected much fewer, but 50 showed up! Most people in festive colors, with a bright smile, curious about what a Diwali party might be like in this era. We got Sparklers for everyone and the drinks, the music, and food flowed. You could hear that general buzz that is indicative of a good party: music, and dancing, much laughter, lots of talking that gets louder as the night goes on, clinking glasses, and many boisterous exclamations of “Oh my God, it has been so long!” The warmth made Richie and my heart full gratitude for the people who came from far and wide to celebrate the festival of lights with us, to reconnect after a dark time, to share the hopes for a fun and bright future coming up.
After everyone else left, Mahi and Devika stayed for another 2 hours helping us clean up. Then they Ubered home and left the car in the garage like responsible adults. They were back the next day around brunch, so we could all dive into the leftover food and talk about the party —the funny stories, the goofups, who didn’t show up, and of-course swap photos so we could create our instagram posts together.
Mahi and Devika’s insane commitment to the party took me by surprise. Richie named Mahi and Devika — the “Core Committee.” In gratitude and with sincere amazement, I asked them about this today — “how come you both just always show up? Its so amazing, but so unusual. How come?”
And Mahi said words that I’ll never forget. She said that she had an epiphany a few years ago.
“I moved to America for college, all by myself, like some Heroine! Out in a new place where I don’t know anyone. I realized that America is a lonely place. I could see a situation where I might just find myself in my apartment, all by myself day after day, and that seems to be quite normal around here. I’ve a huge family in India, but no one is in America, and being alone like this is completely new! So I decided one day — “Dost aise banao jo tike” -“Make the type of friends who stick.”
That’s it. For the people she loves. Mahi shows up. She’s therebefore the party begins, and after the music stops.
Community is everything. The presence of a community is actually a life-or-death matter in an age of virtual interactions. Studies have even found that older adults with a rich social life are likely to live longer than their peers with fewer connections.
It’s a simple formula.
Make the type of friends that stick. By showing up for them.
Have a great holiday season, may your year be lit!
Loved this!
So refreshing to read your posts. You should write more often Mr.Jain.