It looked like a United Nations meeting had been called to discuss the war in Ukraine. 20 Baboons were sprawled in various positions on the ground watching a Yuuge Baboon screech and gesticulate and give a speech. Then a small baboon threw something at it. The big fellow got really mad, ran over and gave the other baboon one Whack! The little fellow ran, and some Baboons started helping it escape by blocking and distracting the angry big one. Seems like just like regular old politics.
As our Safari vehicle rolled up to the scene we realized that the conference of 20 was just the beginning… There were Baboons ahead of us, on the right of us, on our left. And in the trees above us.
I quickly started to close the windows and cover the banana next to my seat and our driver said “Hakuna Matata, monkeys don’t care about tourists.”
Hakuna Matata is a way of life in Tanzania. It isn’t just a gimmick from the Lion King movie. These people really know how to live the life. “It means no worries, for the rest of your days…”
And so we turned off the car near a shady tree and watched this village for the next half hour.
At first, I was fascinated with the squabbling baboon conference. Then I noticed other things.
Many Baboons families were grooming. Papa baboon was searching out lice from the Mama baboon and Mama baboon was searching out lice from the baby baboon. When a lice was found, it was promptly eaten. When the baby baboon felt bored of one adult, it would simply go off to another adult baboon who would pick it up no questions asked.
A couple of kids were messing around. One would whack a smaller baboons face and scamper back, the other baboon would chase around and catch it or make a face or something else that acutely reminded me of my childhood days fighting with my sister for the sheer joy of annoying her.
One baboon was sitting on the branch of a tree with its penis swollen and pointed to our jeep (see center image). It sat like that, 20 feet from us on the shady tree for many minutes. Not moving at all. Eyes open, then closed, then open, then closed. And then suddenly, psssssssssss, a string of pee began pouring from the monkey on the branch on to the forest floor. Conveniently where no one was sitting. It lasted a looong time. This guy had been holding it in for a while!
It struck me that this fellow wanted to sleep, but it needed to susu. So he kept sleeping as long as he could until he had to wake up and release. I sympathized. This phenomenon happens to me at least once every night.
The Hindi word for pee is susu (which I think is a much better word for it, don’t you?). Side note: many East-African countries speak Kiswahili. Kiswahili words are the best.
A bus is Dala Dala. Trash is Taka Taka. Slowly is Pole Pole. Chicken is Kuku. There’s something delightful about saying words twice to make your point point.
Nearby I saw the most interesting bit of monkey porn. A female monkey was leaning forward, with her red buttock on glorious display. A large grey fellow walked towards her, flexing his shoulders, eyes on the prize.
A few seconds later, he was upon her. Grabbed her by the hips, and went full on thrusting mode. Some onlookers watched. Others continued to hunt for lice. The Susu monkey above was still doing his business.
I wondered why people called it the Doggy style when the Baboons were clearly kings of this form of action.
Baby baboons were riding big baboons like a horse is ridden. And some baboons were peacefully napping the whole time we were there. As all the drama around them unfolded, they had their eyes closed, their breathing steady, somewhere along the spectrum of blissful sleep 😴 and deep meditation. 🧘♀️
Our driver said, there must be no lions around. The monkeys are just chilling on the forest floor. We’re not going to see any predators nearby. What a poignant observation, I thought. When the Big Cat is away, the Monkeys can play.
Watching these hundreds of Baboons, living their full life. Doing their thing. Unfazed by the humans and their jeeps… unfazed by anything else for that matter as they did whatever they pleased - whether hunting for lice or playing or mating. I realized that us humans, we stress too easily. The rules in the Baboon village seem very helpful - all adults must help all baby baboons, napping, susu, and conversation can happen anywhere, lice hunting and games may take place at any time. There’s no business formal attire for a conference, and no closed rooms required for sex.
It just felt free. There was no need for shame. There was no worry.
Hakuna Matata.
But Lions are different.
On the left you see a lioness who was walking alongside our jeep, emanating power and then we saw that her eyes were glinting and there was blood dripping from her jaw! Next you see one staring into the distance preparing to attack. And on the right, the lion chilling next to the huntresses. Reminded me of some households where men are on their couches and the women are conjuring food for the family.
And then we saw the miracle I caught on video. An act of seduction. A lion and a lioness mid-roar. An act left incomplete. Territory marked. He made it clear who is the king of this jungle.
After this shameless act, the lion and lioness both stretched and lay down. Lions Love napping.
Lions and baboons aside. Tanzania safaris are wild!
We also saw Elephants, Hippos, Rhinos, Flamingo, Ostriches, Zebras, Wildebeest, Buffalo, Cheetah, Hyenas, Elk, Impalas, Pumbas, a Leopard and some stunning birds.
Some facts
Hippos eat all night and cool off in a pond during the day. They fart and poop in that water all day. So you can smell them a mile away. The locals call this the “hippo perfume”.
The Kiswahili word for Lion is Simba. A friend is called Rafiki. Disney didn’t come up with these.
Safari prices range from $300 to $3000 per person per night. This creates major tension between conserving this habitat and making money from tourism.
This is not just a place to discover animals. Humanity started here.
We came across a UNESCO site pictured below. It is the spot where the oldest human fossils have ever been found - the skulls belong to a species of human from 1.84 million years ago. It shows yours truly, a modern man, beside fossils of ancient men. It reminded me of how simple life used to be, how far we’ve all come, and how much power our species has amassed.
Hope you enjoyed reading about the safari and these shameless animals. They taught me that the rules we live by are made up. All our social stigmas, our dollars and cents, our keeping up with the joneses, and our instagram stories.
Life is simple, there’s nap time, food time, and sex time. Everything else, is made up.
Watch them live freely and do whatever their instinct tells them to do… and you realize that we should all be shameless.
If you liked this, I wrote a funny Part 1 about the comedy of errors of our stay in Tanzania. The haunted penthouse in Dar es Salaam.
I’m deciding what to write for part 3 - either a village of tribal Maasai we visited whose chief had 64 wives or a bombastic Indian wedding we got to experience where the baraati convoy got a police escort to go from the Airport to their resort, like as if the President’s convoy was traveling. Send me a comment which topic you’d like to read about?
My wife made an instagram reel about our safari experience!
The shameless lions of Serengeti (Africa part 2)